Fake News

Here’s a little poem I wrote in a fit of recent despair. If it drives you mad, please don’t be sad or tear out the roots of your hair.

Fake News

The sun rose at noon today at its dawning

And all senators now tell the truth

Wild birds flew backwards into this morning

Now the city takes care of its youth

That whale danced a jig on Bondi Beach

Our border’s not a barbed wire fence

The Chopard Blue Diamond was a seed in a peach

Now when lying, CEOs recompense

A cartoon has become Migrant Minister

All schools’ resources are equal

Now the Irish have conquered Westminister

And no WMDs have a sequel

The Town Clock played jazz in the afternoon

While all lawyers served their clients free

A firebug set fire to the silver moon

Wrong investment advice has no fee

A cuckoo sang the lead in Bach’s chorus

Junk food does not fatten your daughter

They kill ten and it’s news; thousands die they ignore us!

That reporter’s an exporter of the slaughter

Now before we end, here my friend are the headlines

To logic and truth we holdfast

As the mania for profit at this end declines

We live in a peace unsurpassed

The End (Of the Start)

__________

NOW HERE IS SOME FAKE FAKE NEWS TO BRIGHTEN OUR MISERABLE DAYS A LITTLE

Image Attribution: the wonderful CREATIVE COMMONS.

_________

Canbury Friday. From Lofty Price, our Political Correspondent:

The Treasurer gave a moving speech on Friday at the Cut Back The Nonsense Small Business Conference at Winterhill.  Here are his closing remarks…

We stand for freedom. We must lift the chains on small business. To Hell with Political Correctness. Here I stand for the good of the economy. This is my station for the greatness of my nation.

The Treasurer’s Mission Statement

Image Source Creative Commons

Sunday, Heron Atoll. From Pinocchio Pressbutton, our finance reporter:

A vast crowd of overseas and local visitors attended the opening on Sunday of the Barrier Reef Silver Lead and Zinc Mine. There was movement at that station since the word had passed around that the dolt from our regret had held his sway.

One of the great Free Trade Agreements of modern times was completed on this Sunday. The Minister For Trade, Heberton Mydeal,  used these words:

A new era has begun today for our great nation. Jobs will grow and profit will flow to levels hitherto undreamed of. The Government is proud of this achievement. The future is ours to seize. Now and for evermore. 

The Process Of Negotiations Observed

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Image Source Creative Commons

Tuesday 13th At High Noon. Reporter Martial Raleigh, War Correspondent:

Today’s Commemoration Ceremony was very moving. Old men with medals multiples seemed to dominate the numbers as the young were away, most likely in Afghanistan.. The dominant speaker however was a woman: Lucretia Borderkill, a Splintergroupie, who seems to attend these occasions whenever possible.

Her words had a ring of battle about them. She spoke very loudly and was appreciated most warmly by those who were listening yet busy doing something else — knitting or doing calculations on iPhones. Political commentators suggest Lucretia’s loud volume is critical to her success as followers find it convenient to listen only to the words and focus meaning on something else. Thus split attention is possible which saves both time and effort.  Lucretia’s loudest words received wild applause from her supporters, especially the delegates from the Lithgow Small Arms Factory.

My fellow citizens. Danger is everywhere. I am the voice of the people. I am not interested in others. My only concern is us. Why do I say this?

Well my dear ordinary people like me it’s your interests I care about. Nobody else does. I will stand up for you. I will fight for you.

Yes I will fight to ban the thong. That dangerous thing that the others wear often falls off their feet. What happens then?

Why, they tread on seedlings with bare feet and ruin our crops. My friends this has got to end. And on this day I promise you it will. 

(Loud cheering and repetition of the slogan)

Ban the thong! Ban the thong! Ban the thong!

Thank you my friends. Thank you.

Finally, I have had my Deputy Con King go out into the fields researching the trouble. I have had multiple copies of one incident he captured because it sums up our dangers terribly well. Take it home and show it to your children so that all generations can unite in their purity. Have faith in us as we are you and you are we. All hail to our country. All hail to our land! Our life! Our country! All hail!

(More extremely loud cheering)

Con King’s Image

Image Source Creative Commons

Thursday February 29. Reporter Peter Owt, Finance Editor:

GST is dominating the news today. The nation is rort by conflict between the states concerning fair share GST justice. At the last COAG meeting state treasurers came to many verbal blows. At the ensuing press conference the attractive, buxom, first female federal treasurer, Lucy Lullham, known to some as “Private Eyes,” was forced to make an extremely didactic speech.

It was very long of necessity so I shall simply repeat her constant chorus: Get it right! Her powerful message was beautifully reinforced by a visual theme she supplied, here appended.

pie chart_0_0

Image Source Creative Commons

Wednesday March 15. Reporter Verity Candour, Literary Editor:

Dear Reader

There is little doubt this will be my last story. I was  warned way back in 2003, with the Iraq invasion piece I did, not to swim so openly against the tide. Until now I have kept my obedient silence.

Today I must speak. Why? The reason is the current blatant attempt in Australia to make violent speech legal. Here is a quote.

Section 18C of the Racial Discrimination Act makes it unlawful for someone to do an act that is reasonably likely to “offend, insult, humiliate or intimidate” someone because of their race or ethnicity.

Section 18D of the Racial Discrimination Act contains exemptions which protect freedom of speech. These ensure that artistic works, scientific debate and fair comment on matters of public interest are exempt from section 18C, providing they are said or done reasonably and in good faith.

Those words are from the Australian Human Rights Commission. As you can see, Section 18c clearly protects freedom of speech already!

Here then is the visual part of the story. My last.

Look at him.

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Image Source Creative Commons

This kind of anger. Does it need to be protected as freedom of speech? Should this state of mind that you see be permitted to  “offend, insult, humiliate or intimidate”? Is “harass” enough protection for us all, and especially the vulnerable? Incidentally, that word “harass” derives from the French “to set a dog on.”

Is that face not the dog itself?

So it’s goodbye from Verity and it’s goodbye from me,

r.

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