Fake News

Here’s a little poem I wrote in a fit of recent despair. If it drives you mad, please don’t be sad or tear out the roots of your hair.

Fake News

The sun rose at noon today at its dawning

And all senators now tell the truth

Wild birds flew backwards into this morning

Now the city takes care of its youth

That whale danced a jig on Bondi Beach

Our border’s not a barbed wire fence

The Chopard Blue Diamond was a seed in a peach

Now when lying, CEOs recompense

A cartoon has become Migrant Minister

All schools’ resources are equal

Now the Irish have conquered Westminister

And no WMDs have a sequel

The Town Clock played jazz in the afternoon

While all lawyers served their clients free

A firebug set fire to the silver moon

Wrong investment advice has no fee

A cuckoo sang the lead in Bach’s chorus

Junk food does not fatten your daughter

They kill ten and it’s news; thousands die they ignore us!

That reporter’s an exporter of the slaughter

Now before we end, here my friend are the headlines

To logic and truth we holdfast

As the mania for profit at this end declines

We live in a peace unsurpassed

The End (Of the Start)

__________

NOW HERE IS SOME FAKE FAKE NEWS TO BRIGHTEN OUR MISERABLE DAYS A LITTLE

Image Attribution: the wonderful CREATIVE COMMONS.

_________

Canbury Friday. From Lofty Price, our Political Correspondent:

The Treasurer gave a moving speech on Friday at the Cut Back The Nonsense Small Business Conference at Winterhill.  Here are his closing remarks…

We stand for freedom. We must lift the chains on small business. To Hell with Political Correctness. Here I stand for the good of the economy. This is my station for the greatness of my nation.

The Treasurer’s Mission Statement

Image Source Creative Commons

Sunday, Heron Atoll. From Pinocchio Pressbutton, our finance reporter:

A vast crowd of overseas and local visitors attended the opening on Sunday of the Barrier Reef Silver Lead and Zinc Mine. There was movement at that station since the word had passed around that the dolt from our regret had held his sway.

One of the great Free Trade Agreements of modern times was completed on this Sunday. The Minister For Trade, Heberton Mydeal,  used these words:

A new era has begun today for our great nation. Jobs will grow and profit will flow to levels hitherto undreamed of. The Government is proud of this achievement. The future is ours to seize. Now and for evermore. 

The Process Of Negotiations Observed

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Image Source Creative Commons

Tuesday 13th At High Noon. Reporter Martial Raleigh, War Correspondent:

Today’s Commemoration Ceremony was very moving. Old men with medals multiples seemed to dominate the numbers as the young were away, most likely in Afghanistan.. The dominant speaker however was a woman: Lucretia Borderkill, a Splintergroupie, who seems to attend these occasions whenever possible.

Her words had a ring of battle about them. She spoke very loudly and was appreciated most warmly by those who were listening yet busy doing something else — knitting or doing calculations on iPhones. Political commentators suggest Lucretia’s loud volume is critical to her success as followers find it convenient to listen only to the words and focus meaning on something else. Thus split attention is possible which saves both time and effort.  Lucretia’s loudest words received wild applause from her supporters, especially the delegates from the Lithgow Small Arms Factory.

My fellow citizens. Danger is everywhere. I am the voice of the people. I am not interested in others. My only concern is us. Why do I say this?

Well my dear ordinary people like me it’s your interests I care about. Nobody else does. I will stand up for you. I will fight for you.

Yes I will fight to ban the thong. That dangerous thing that the others wear often falls off their feet. What happens then?

Why, they tread on seedlings with bare feet and ruin our crops. My friends this has got to end. And on this day I promise you it will. 

(Loud cheering and repetition of the slogan)

Ban the thong! Ban the thong! Ban the thong!

Thank you my friends. Thank you.

Finally, I have had my Deputy Con King go out into the fields researching the trouble. I have had multiple copies of one incident he captured because it sums up our dangers terribly well. Take it home and show it to your children so that all generations can unite in their purity. Have faith in us as we are you and you are we. All hail to our country. All hail to our land! Our life! Our country! All hail!

(More extremely loud cheering)

Con King’s Image

Image Source Creative Commons

Thursday February 29. Reporter Peter Owt, Finance Editor:

GST is dominating the news today. The nation is rort by conflict between the states concerning fair share GST justice. At the last COAG meeting state treasurers came to many verbal blows. At the ensuing press conference the attractive, buxom, first female federal treasurer, Lucy Lullham, known to some as “Private Eyes,” was forced to make an extremely didactic speech.

It was very long of necessity so I shall simply repeat her constant chorus: Get it right! Her powerful message was beautifully reinforced by a visual theme she supplied, here appended.

pie chart_0_0

Image Source Creative Commons

Wednesday March 15. Reporter Verity Candour, Literary Editor:

Dear Reader

There is little doubt this will be my last story. I was  warned way back in 2003, with the Iraq invasion piece I did, not to swim so openly against the tide. Until now I have kept my obedient silence.

Today I must speak. Why? The reason is the current blatant attempt in Australia to make violent speech legal. Here is a quote.

Section 18C of the Racial Discrimination Act makes it unlawful for someone to do an act that is reasonably likely to “offend, insult, humiliate or intimidate” someone because of their race or ethnicity.

Section 18D of the Racial Discrimination Act contains exemptions which protect freedom of speech. These ensure that artistic works, scientific debate and fair comment on matters of public interest are exempt from section 18C, providing they are said or done reasonably and in good faith.

Those words are from the Australian Human Rights Commission. As you can see, Section 18c clearly protects freedom of speech already!

Here then is the visual part of the story. My last.

Look at him.

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Image Source Creative Commons

This kind of anger. Does it need to be protected as freedom of speech? Should this state of mind that you see be permitted to  “offend, insult, humiliate or intimidate”? Is “harass” enough protection for us all, and especially the vulnerable? Incidentally, that word “harass” derives from the French “to set a dog on.”

Is that face not the dog itself?

So it’s goodbye from Verity and it’s goodbye from me,

r.

An Effort To Escape

No evil dooms us hopelessly except the evil we love, and desire to continue in, and make no effort to escape from.

George Eliot

So far I have lived twenty-three years longer than Shakespeare. Oh my! What he would have done with that extra time.

As for humble me, I have noticed so many dark deeds in my eighty odd years I will feel guilty unless I at least draw attention to some of them now. That is why I am writing this.

That looking glass of mine still seems to be getting darker and darker. All my years of teaching and that infinity of classrooms have created so much data.

I feel driven just now to talk about the shadows that worry me. Are you familiar with Plato’s Cave? That sums up the way I feel pretty well. So many people in my life have announced THE answer to so many things. One of my problems is that I have seen so many unexpected changes I am beginning to wonder if you can be sure of anything.

Is uncertainty the only certainty? But wait a minute. If my answer is “yes,” how can you be certain about the certainty of my answer? My brain needs a rest. Contact with these four heroes of mine might help you understand what I am trying to say: Georg Cantor, Ludwig Boltzmann, Kurt Gödel and Alan Turing?

Please note therefore I’m into suggestions not certainties but possibly useful points of view here. For now, as I’ve said elsewhere, I focus on one cause of my anguish at a time. This is the second post in my list.

I am sick of all the sad news around me so I have decided to laugh a bit here.

The problem this time is

Things are not what they seem to be.

The means alas, justifies not the death!

FAKE NEWS 4 SALE. MEDIA WHERE R U?

FROM OUR FOR REIGN CORRESPONDENT

  • I bought a bottle of grow-tall juice by Beanstalk Jack Inc. from my chemist last week  I know it will work because I have seen breathtaking computer generated TV images to prove its effectiveness. Six foot six within my reach! I took my first dose this morning. Watch this outer space!
  •  Midas Merten sold me a pair of Bullshit-detecting Reading Glasses for my 83rd birthday. Cost him a fortune I believe, although included was a pair of absolutely free Climate Change Sunglasses. Haven’t detected anything yet, as I read, but patients are a virtue.
  •  Error-free pens are the latest craze in the US. They are just now poker machine prizes. A new age is approaching and it’s good buy to misspelling.
  • My dear wife has bought me a Truth-selecting Hearing-aid  for our anniversary. So sweet of her!  When I hear words of suspect truth, I notice the volume gets louder but it’s good to know lies won’t trouble me anymore.
  • That Anti-aging Potion I also bought from my chemist last week has caused me a bit of trouble. It’s a three times a day job with a free, precise measuring glass and a homogenised plastic spoon. The first day of treatment went very well but for the last few days I can’t remember where I put the bottle. Damn!

MORE FROM OUR LOCAL CORRESPONDENT

 How Political Schemes Do Come True
  • A dog has just been elected to the Australian Parliament after a long series of court battles. Citizen Canis, as his owners named him, was declared a valid, living being by the High Court and approved on constitutional grounds because dogs have not been specifically forbidden by law to occupy a seat in the House Of Representatives. The dog is functional. All it needs is one bark for yes and two barks for no. The new independent member for Black Tree wags his tail a lot. Frequent requests for support in divisions are usually backed up by gifts of  export quality steak.
  • Citizens are advised that postage stamps are now, as the border enquiry suggests,

A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION.

  1. “threatening our freedom and much envied way of life. Classified sources now reveal messages in stamped envelopes have been detected avoiding border security. This is a clear and present danger. All foreign stamps therefore will now be vetted by dedicated, well versed geologists. Please note that this may lead to delay of up to six months in delivery.”
  • The Treasurer has announced for tomorrow a state of the art plan to reduce costs and improve the lives of the aged and the disabled with a spectacular Budget switch. On this given date, all motor services for members will cease. Parliamentary vehicles and drivers’ roles will be be diverted  to welfare service for the aged, incapacitated and dying. This will save as the needy will die off more quickly than politicians and so reduce costs and workload.Self-sustained member transport will be applied henceforth. Free bicycles will be issued. For the bicycle infirm, substitute  three-wheeled scooters are planned. Long distance transport will, from this day forth, be by train only. All air transport is banned save for helicopters in a state of emergency. Overseas conferences are already missing from members’ agendas, interstate conferences will be fewer in number, and Skype and internet conferencing will become the new mode of travel.
  • Notice this. Bold steps have also been taken to reduce needed attention span in Parliamentary Question Time. Now, for both questions and answers, the number of words spoken will be limited to what can be stated in a single breath. Breath Detectors have been fitted to all microphones so that if a second breath is taken, a BD switch renders the member totally silent. An increase in the use of gestures has been noted. So too have the many Speaker demands to withdraw unparliamentary gesticulations.
  • In addition,  we report that Standing Orders in the Parliament of Australia have been privatised. The Speaker now has digital support, at a small taxpayer-funded cost, for all judgements. Notable is the Question Time Relevance Monitor. Now, whenever an answer strays from the topic, a whistle blows and a QTRM recorded voice will say loudly, “Tell the truth you devious scam artist.” Disruption has already become suddenly rare and speeches in reply are noticeably brief.
Last Comment: Ad Folk Regularly Advertise Confusion
I just don’t understand these things.

Because I am old and infirm, I don’t get out much. This means I depend on television for my awareness of the world and for advice on how to spend my meagre pension. As you can see, that is serious business. I have to concentrate hard to get things right.

That is the problem!

They keep saying things that don’t make sense. I am nearing an Adjustment Disorder with Mixed Anxiety and Depressed Mood over this. Big challenge in my extreme maturity!

Look. Here are some examples of what I mean.

  • I needed a new scrabble set because I’d lost Q. So I saw this advertisement

BUY ONE TODAY AND GET A SECOND ONE ABSOLUTELY FREE.

I contacted them and told them I’m pretty poor so I would just like the free one please. This caused an immense fuss as they said no. Well how about that! How can something be free if you have to buy something else to get it? So I’ve made a new scrabble rule. If you’ve got u and e, you’ve got q.

  • And then there was my wheelbarrow insurance.

I couldn’t afford to pay a lump sum so I spaced the cost into 12 monthly payments. Would you believe I broke an axle in January and they told me I could get only one twelfth of the value as I hadn’t paid for the whole year. They didn’t tell me that on the big blurb that got me in. Fabulists!

  • My sweet tooth got me into trouble recently. I love hundreds and thousands.

Now look what that has done to me. In one of those shops with good deals I saw a huge jar of hundreds and thousands marked SPECIAL. Now I’ve no surplus money for luxuries, but I decided on a cunning little plan to forgo toothpaste for a month and use salt to clean my teeth.

That was how I bought the great jar. That was why, when I opened it, I had another mixed anxiety and depressed mood outbreak. The jar was only  half full. Jar size trickery. No thousands just hundreds. For some sad reason those pretty sandwiches I made  were not delicious at all.

  • And now I must tell you about the Truth Converter I picked up at Vinnies for a song.

It works under the old AV system. I’ve kept my out of date AV recorders just for old times sake. When you’re 83, old times are important. Things fade away like the old Stanley Steamer don’t they, for various reasons, but they might still be useful one day. This one was.

This Truth Converter works for me! Only me.
I just plug the lead into the old AV recorder.

Look at these results. A mindblow! Look at what I fed in and what came out.

The hordes on that PM did trample as he thought a sample was ample.

robust discussion … a vicious argument

responsible spending … gainful cuts to welfare 

 a deep trust alliance …  all the way with LBJ     

a finely balanced budget … any profitable asset sold

 as soon as is  practical … before the next election

within reasonable time  …  after the next election 

   telling the truth … agreeing with me

nothing but fake news … not agreeing with me

            great prime minister …  great at hiding the truth

There you are. What fun my little toy is! Only paid $1.50 for it. Can’t wait to get back to it.

Finally, to end this post, here’s a little piece I wrote.

Use-by Date

Once in a fit of ill-informed hate

Back in the mists of my time,

Somebody wrote the use-by date

When I would be past my prime.

Then, it was thought, my mind would decay

And the voice would lose its thrall.

Thus, even though I still seized each day,

No one would heed me at all.

It is true, now that I’ve seen a few years

And I’m often in need of a bed,

Some people don’t give me access to their ears

Or even a nod of the head.

But there’s always a trumpet with smiling face

Who will tell you he’s got a solution;

But alas he is crass, brain so far out of place

Any wise thought’s a true revolution.

Yet he’ll offer false dreams with lucrative schemes

To turn all your strife into money.

All that does for me is awaken my screams

As I hide his junk mail in a dunny.

It’s a lonely place this, with your energy spent,

Where half-truths will still come and go;

If you spend your last cent to dispense with the rent,

There are few other strings to your bow.

Yes here then am I, much older than most,

Foundering, some say, and dismasted.

You may feel that I’m past it, or even a ghost,

But I’m not a loot wizard’s snared bastard.

 March 2004

Howard Littlejohn

A Loot Wizard

Thanks and respect to Howard Littlejohn

______________________


Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

Twitter is no longer a place for me.

 That is all I have to say about that.

______________________

All images on this site are my own or from Wiki Commons, Creative Commons or Public Domain. If there is any error, please tell me and I will fix things immediately. All my thanks to the wonderful Wiki service and to the artists who share their gifts.

Royce

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