Elderly Melodies

Poems By Someone Long In The Tooth

Use-by Date

They were very rude to me today
Said I’d passed my use-by date
How dare they!
What do they think I am?
A jar of Vegemite?
What a bunch of ill-informed Noddies!
I’m only ninety
Bubbling over with wisdom and energy
Unknown to immature people
Take politics for instance
Now ordinary mortals
Those without my gift of awareness
Will vote either Liberal or Labor
Not me
Not on yer life
I know corporations control the big parties completely
So I vote informal to keep the nation honest
Do you see what I mean re my wisdom?
Sport is another pursuit where I star
I play two-up and sometimes win, every Anzac Day
Then there is shopping
I buy only bargains, nothing else
Quite a good plan
Although I now have a room full of cheap toilet rolls
Rain is never a problem
Even though my umbrella won’t open
When it rains I stay indoors
You see how I leave all whippersnappers behind me?
I’m a student of culture too,
Every day except Sunday I study The Daily Telegraph
Yes age does not weary me
And history is my great interest
I select my sources carefully
Just read Charles Ponzi, PT Barnum and Richard Nixon
So there you are you see
My tale brings glee
And far from too old you too can be
If you learn your life’s lessons from someone like me

Monkey Business

I went to the zoo to seek a friend
Hoping to find some flunkeys
But all I could find were the monkeys
And they drove me round the bend
One stole my hat
Just fancy that
And it calmly began to eat it
Then it pulled it apart
And bless my heart
I tried but couldn’t defeat it
For the rest of the day I went hatless
And though it’s absurd
I then courted a bird
For its ID you’d need an atlas
But you’ll never guess why my anger arose
As the next event
Swiftly came and went
And that bird simply mangled my nose
What a fix I was in at this worrisome time
I felt so flat
Couldn’t smell a rat
From this ornithological crime
But yet dear reader all was not lost
There was an ideal solution
To this stark convolution
A relief though with very great cost
When I got home no more to roam
I thought with elan
And hatched a plan
That made me a clever old gnome
The monkey business had made my heart thump
But an idea arose
That was on the nose
Give a bell to Donald Trump
So I sought his help and advice
He showed me his tricks
My aromas were fixed
But alas he trebled the price

Hypochondriac

Old Robbie had a hobby despite his lack of wealth
He loved to see a doctor and discuss his health
Illness to him was a frequent event
That he sought every day to cure or prevent
So those quests all ruled his days
As he boldly traversed life’s maze
Until one day something occurred
That I must say was quite absurd
And indeed life changing
His behaviour rearranging
O my! How that life of his went amiss
The story it went like this
He suddenly heard a voice
It was not by his choice
Ringing out like a bell through the air
Yet there wasn’t a person there
Like the captain of the Titanic
The old chap began to panic
“Oh dear! I have a psychosis
Delusion or stark neurosis!”
Anxiety turned into terror
He seemed to have made no error
And the voice rang out warnings of doom
That echoed around the room
The old man felt fear
Fate pummelling each ear
And began to shiver and shake
His psyche so wildly awake
That sound he heard seemed primeval
So suggestive of evil
His body was trembling
An earthquake resembling
Until there came resolution
A truly surprising solution
Old Betsy’s life had been given a lift
A smart clock-radio had been her gift
Switched suddenly on, remote as a feather
And all Robbie heard were the news and the weather

Last Chance

Well
Here you are
After a long life of misbehaviour
Trapped in the mire of your own incompetence
Now at last you head the company
You are the one who makes all decisions
Dictates the derisions
And motivates the misanthropy
Yes, things have changed
And time has moved on
We are now ready for a new era
So
What will happen now?
How will the cookie crumble?
One landmark, one beacon will guide the way
You, the new leader
Clothed in the finery of higher status
Powerful as previously unknown
With the capacity and possible tenacity for change
Strongly aware of the many challenges around us
Understanding the mechanisms
Knowing the joy of winning
But also conscious of frequent despair
Will now reach out like Cronus*
Change the world
Throw away the bleak habits of the past
Create a new era
A first thing in the morning
A dawning
And pay all workers a fair wage

* In Greek mythology Cronus was a Titan who became the first king.

Surprise

Well now, that’s interesting
I haven’t seen that before, not ever
I wonder why on earth it has happened
From time to time you see amazing things
Unexpectedly
So surprising you forget other trivialities
So different from the past this event
You struggle to understand
You pinch yourself
Rub your eyes
Google a question
But still no explanation
No discourse on the actuality of what you have seen
Wiki doesn’t know
Nor Britannica
Nor Fox News
Any erudite friend you ask will look blank
YouTube will have no documentaries on it
Shock jocks won’t believe you
It is completely unknown previously
Unprecedented
So there we are
Down all the ages of time
The annals of history
In all records of humanity
Nowhere will you find an obvious precedent for this event
So you rise from your chair
Pace the room
Maybe gaze searchingly through a window
Ponder longingly
And still no true understanding
Nevertheless you decide to disclose the evidence:
That American presidential candidate just told the truth

royciebaby